Open Letter

Dear You,

I’ve was a bio-polar lover. One day I’d be planing my life with you, and the next I would be listing the facts that made us all wrong for each other. The list started with the fact that we had nothing in common, from the music we listened to our worldviews...Nothing, but the fact that we loved each other. 

You wanted me to be a rider, but I felt you never gave me anything good to ride for. Then I wanted you to ride for me, but you didn't believe in me like I needed you to. Maybe I wasn't convincing enough, but I was trying. I tried so desperately to bring you up with me, not up in status but up in growth. Every bad thing bad made me better, but slowly and all before 21 you let it make you bitter.

I’ve always wanted you to be at peace. A place where you were satisfied and got everything you wanted in life…including me. See I told you I was a bipolar lover like that. Maybe I’m still not over you, maybe I’ll never be. Maybe 20 years from now, as I sit at the table with my husband and kids, my thoughts will go to you. I'll think about the what ifs, what if you were the man stilling across the table from me and if what if those kids still had my nose, but your freckles.

One day, I’ll tell my daughters about you when I tell them about my first love. I’m going to tell them the joys and cries, and then give them the warnings but still watch them go out into life and make similar mistakes. As Zora Neale Hurston once wrote, "There's two things everybody got to find out for theyselves: they got to find out about love, and they got to find out about living."

Your Me

The Male Version of Me #Volume1

    In all the miles we've traveled to get here, we arrived in the same city, a few feet away from one another...in this foreign city with a billion people surrounding us, I've only ever felt connected to you. We share the growing pains and our unwillingness to let go of the past.

    But everything's okay when I talk you, because every word you say reminds me that all this was destined. That 22 years ago and 24 years ago He'd already known we'd meet and how we were one and the same. 

That you would be the male version of me because we're both selfish and naive. I still think about him but you still think about her too. I'm your mirror, your reflection there to remind you all the good and bad that's in you but what I've noticed is your worst than me.

     You look at me and see your dirt that your even too afraid to tell me about. Never giving me the benefit of doubt. Still I want you to know I prayed for you. I couldn't have survived these last few years without you. You've been a constant player on my team, hiding away in my own personal locker room. Something like a teammate. A life coach too, always here motivating me, and above that putting me in my place. 

I've said all this to say that I miss you...immensely.