Open Letter

Dear You,

I’ve was a bio-polar lover. One day I’d be planing my life with you, and the next I would be listing the facts that made us all wrong for each other. The list started with the fact that we had nothing in common, from the music we listened to our worldviews...Nothing, but the fact that we loved each other. 

You wanted me to be a rider, but I felt you never gave me anything good to ride for. Then I wanted you to ride for me, but you didn't believe in me like I needed you to. Maybe I wasn't convincing enough, but I was trying. I tried so desperately to bring you up with me, not up in status but up in growth. Every bad thing bad made me better, but slowly and all before 21 you let it make you bitter.

I’ve always wanted you to be at peace. A place where you were satisfied and got everything you wanted in life…including me. See I told you I was a bipolar lover like that. Maybe I’m still not over you, maybe I’ll never be. Maybe 20 years from now, as I sit at the table with my husband and kids, my thoughts will go to you. I'll think about the what ifs, what if you were the man stilling across the table from me and if what if those kids still had my nose, but your freckles.

One day, I’ll tell my daughters about you when I tell them about my first love. I’m going to tell them the joys and cries, and then give them the warnings but still watch them go out into life and make similar mistakes. As Zora Neale Hurston once wrote, "There's two things everybody got to find out for theyselves: they got to find out about love, and they got to find out about living."

Your Me

The Male Version of Me #Volume1

    In all the miles we've traveled to get here, we arrived in the same city, a few feet away from one another...in this foreign city with a billion people surrounding us, I've only ever felt connected to you. We share the growing pains and our unwillingness to let go of the past.

    But everything's okay when I talk you, because every word you say reminds me that all this was destined. That 22 years ago and 24 years ago He'd already known we'd meet and how we were one and the same. 

That you would be the male version of me because we're both selfish and naive. I still think about him but you still think about her too. I'm your mirror, your reflection there to remind you all the good and bad that's in you but what I've noticed is your worst than me.

     You look at me and see your dirt that your even too afraid to tell me about. Never giving me the benefit of doubt. Still I want you to know I prayed for you. I couldn't have survived these last few years without you. You've been a constant player on my team, hiding away in my own personal locker room. Something like a teammate. A life coach too, always here motivating me, and above that putting me in my place. 

I've said all this to say that I miss you...immensely. 

"I'm your comfort." The Sensations of Comfort Volume 3

They think it's you that keeps dragging me back in but no it's me. I'm the one always drawing you back in. I always do this to us. It's an impulsive text sent your way that leaves me anticipating your response.(You always response) Which then always leads into an easy 3 hour conversation that reminds us why we fell in love. In those conversations we avoid talking about reasons we both know we won't work out again for the 15th time. 

Still Like clockwork, like how the sun rises in the morning, there comes the subtle "I love you" that takes our  "friendship" to a new level.  That's unconsciously takes us back into dangerous territory, and all the months I practiced resilience against you fades away. Like how I trained myself to stop checking your Facebook, and Twitter moves where you pretend to be something your not. Still when I fall in love with you again none of that matters but just as quickly as I could throw myself in to you once more, I quickly hate you again. No, I never hate you, I hate the control you have over this mind, body and soul of mine. Your my weakest. 

The truth is that it all starts with me, but you don't stop me. I creep back in but your routine, your habit is to welcome me with open arms. What I now know is that you love comfort just as much as do. I'm your comfort.  And seconds, days, months don't change that, I'm home for you. 

Maybe I'll always be here or maybe I already left and the comfort that you feel is still here is merely an illusion. 

The Sensation of Comfort By Everlecia #Volume2

    They were magnets. She was convinced as yet again she found herself back in the arms of his comfort. Feeling that maybe they have never skipped a beat on their many months apart. But the truth was that they were on a ticking time bomb that intensified the moment. She knew better because they'd been there before, still In their limited moments together she wanted the fantasy to last. Naively forgetting that their comfort meant that neither of them could grow. They were trying relive the good times... But It couldn't and wouldn't last long, because they wanted different things. Differences that left them thousands of miles apart even when she layed right to him..

    So it seemed simple that their solution was to stay away from each other but it wasn't that easy. So much time was invested, unforgettable memories were made and families were introduced. And even when she thought she was moving on, someone would mention his name, and oh that alone brought her comfort. Because despite their mishaps he was the only one that had a true affect on her. She let him see every version of herself from the vulnerable girl who revealed her deepest dreams to the fighter who kept still kept everything suppressed inside.  He was the only person she didn't have to be the girl who had it all together. That's why he was the one who she dared to share so many firsts with.

     Over and over the foolish gal found herself longing for his comfort. Convincing herself that they would grow into the same direction.... But after months no years she found herself weary and without hope, and soon the girl he thought he knew would be exposed to more. The act of making love to ones mind, and without being touched she had found herself falling for another... And slowly but surely the sensations of comfort were replaced with someone like her equal, but soon she would realize that in the end that "comfort" still ruled her mind body and soul.. With a hold that was infuriating, and that wouldn't allow her to move on beyond her borders of comfort... 

Facing Fears and Burdens

    In Les Brown's Live Your Dream, he suggests the action of taking the time out to reflect on your personal burdens and fears. The same burdens and fears that has kept us from achieving our biggest dreams and  aspirations.
    The unique aspect that I loved about Brown's suggestion that made me eager to actually try the process he suggested was that right next to the fear/burden he said reflect on how you should rid yourself of them.
     I know the important of knowing your fears but thinking of a game plan to help rid yourself of those fears, thats on a whole another level.
    I decided to take it a step farther and write down next to my fear and burdens how I am currently ridding myself of them or wish to. And my own personal list  is what I want to share with you, because even though you and I are two different people, we may have similar fears and my plan to rid mine can help you as well. And if you come up with ways to rid yours and write them below you can help me too.  
    Even though I have just only created my list, it already feels liberating knowing what I have to do to rid my fears. And unconsciously I have already been doing some of the things on my list already without event thinking about it.

                                        Ridding Burdens and Fears

• Fear of failure cure: ACTION cures fear, doing the things I am afraid of doing. 

• Low self-esteem cure: Practicing self-confidence, and focusing on my positive attributions more.

• Guilt cure: Remission of sins instead of forgiveness of sins, remission means they are wiped away completely and forgiveness means that they are merely only covered up.

• Love cure: Focusing on the type of love and support I want, instead of what I don't have. 

• Lack of capital cure: Using every resource I have wisely, and attracting the money that I want in my life. Also creating passive income where I make money even when I don't work.

• Circumstances cure: Being grateful for where I am and seeing and visualizing where I will be. 

http://danblackonleadership.info

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IG: @everlecia  - 


Photo credit: Dave Thompson (IG: @hellomynamesdave)